Unfortunately, I'm no stranger to suicidal thoughts.
That's the end of my introduction.
When I have experienced suicidal thoughts, here is what has happened in my head. I will attempt to describe it using imagery.
My mind is personified as me. I am standing somewhere, and then some amorphous object enters into my right periphery. It is flowing past me from right to left. This is the suicidal thought. Notice that it is not a thought or an idea that I manufactured; it entered on its own. It arrived in response to some triggering situation that caused me extreme emotional distress, and it presents itself as an option for me to escape my current mental and emotional state. If I want, I can reach out, grab it, latch onto it, and allow it to carry me.
How I choose to respond to this thought is critical. I can choose to remain where I am, watch it pass in front of me, and then watch it exit my left periphery. I do not give it any power over me. Sometimes only one of these thoughts floats by; other times, it is many of them with headways of a couple minutes. Each time a new one drifts past, I need to make a choice not to reach out, grab it, and latch onto it.
In at least one instance, I have turned the direction that I am facing so that I cannot see the thought pass by and be tempted by it. In this instance, what happened was the thoughts kept coming, but their direction of approach changed each time I changed the direction I was looking. No matter which way I turned, I was surrounded by these thoughts. This was an instance where I felt completely helpless, like there was no way to escape them. But I still did not reach out and grab.
And there have been a couple instances where I have chosen to grab. I see the thought approaching, and then I pull myself onto it as it crosses in front of me. In these instances, I voluntarily give up my footing, and I allow this suicidal thought to take me wherever it pleases. I give the thought complete control over my mental state. Very rarely am I able to hurl myself from the ride on my own; it is someone else who makes the thought halt by blocking its trajectory. The other person usually cannot get me off the thought, but they can stop it from moving. It takes me a long time to off-board the thought on my own, because the surrounding atmosphere is dark. I cannot see a stable place for me to stand, and I do not trust that one is there.
When I do get off in the darkness, I slowly start making my way back to the light. It takes time. On my way back, sometimes I wander in circles in the dark; sometimes another suicidal thought floats by and I reach out to touch it; sometimes I step onto an uneven surface in the dark. It might take days, it might take weeks, it might take months; but I do eventually return to a more illuminated area.
That is how I visualize what happens in my head. Other people may experience it differently.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
A racist scene in a high school musical
The following scene was performed by my Christian high school when we put on The Music Man my sophomore year:
Four actors danced in a circle while wearing costuming that looked like an imitation of the natives scene from Disney's 1953 Peter Pan. The pianist played a pattern of fifths in the key of C minor an octave below middle C (because, according to our music director, that "sounded Indian"). As they were dancing, the actors repeatedly chanted, "Wa tan ye!" Then they stopped dancing, and one of them said, "I will now count to twenty in the Indian tongue. Een! Teen! Tuther! Feather! Fip!" At that point, the scene was interrupted.
I don't know how much of that scene was scripted and how much was artistic license**, but the fact remains that that scene was extremely racist, and my high school chose not to edit it out.
By contrast, in the opening chorus number for the same musical, "Iowa Stubborn," one line goes, "And we're so by God stubborn, we could stand touching noses for a week at a time and never see eye to eye." Our music director thought that this would be offensive by taking God's name in vain, so we changed the line to "And we're so by George stubborn..."
The following year, we performed "The Ballad of Sweeney Todd." One of the lines in this piece is, "He served a dark and a hungry god." There was talk of changing this line too, even though it was referring to "a god" rather than "God." This change was never realized.
This phenomenon of selective editing was such a double standard. I am shocked that we allowed such a racist scene to be portrayed, yet we took offense at saying "God" in a song. The worst part is that I'm sure the scene mocking Native Americans was not entirely scripted and we added some of our own flair**, which we deemed acceptable, but singing a pre-scripted "God" was questionable.
"Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."
God forgive us.
**UPDATE 4/15/16: I found the script for The Music Man online. It turns out that that scene is indeed scripted, and we performed it exactly as scripted. But the issue still remains that we chose not to edit that particular scene, but we readily edited any reference to "God".
Four actors danced in a circle while wearing costuming that looked like an imitation of the natives scene from Disney's 1953 Peter Pan. The pianist played a pattern of fifths in the key of C minor an octave below middle C (because, according to our music director, that "sounded Indian"). As they were dancing, the actors repeatedly chanted, "Wa tan ye!" Then they stopped dancing, and one of them said, "I will now count to twenty in the Indian tongue. Een! Teen! Tuther! Feather! Fip!" At that point, the scene was interrupted.
I don't know how much of that scene was scripted and how much was artistic license**, but the fact remains that that scene was extremely racist, and my high school chose not to edit it out.
By contrast, in the opening chorus number for the same musical, "Iowa Stubborn," one line goes, "And we're so by God stubborn, we could stand touching noses for a week at a time and never see eye to eye." Our music director thought that this would be offensive by taking God's name in vain, so we changed the line to "And we're so by George stubborn..."
The following year, we performed "The Ballad of Sweeney Todd." One of the lines in this piece is, "He served a dark and a hungry god." There was talk of changing this line too, even though it was referring to "a god" rather than "God." This change was never realized.
This phenomenon of selective editing was such a double standard. I am shocked that we allowed such a racist scene to be portrayed, yet we took offense at saying "God" in a song. The worst part is that I'm sure the scene mocking Native Americans was not entirely scripted and we added some of our own flair**, which we deemed acceptable, but singing a pre-scripted "God" was questionable.
"Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."
God forgive us.
**UPDATE 4/15/16: I found the script for The Music Man online. It turns out that that scene is indeed scripted, and we performed it exactly as scripted. But the issue still remains that we chose not to edit that particular scene, but we readily edited any reference to "God".
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
The MacArthur Maze
"The MacArthur Maze" is the colloquial term given to the interchange of I-880, I-580, and I-80 in West Oakland at the Bay Bridge approach. (I guess CA-24/I-980 can also be included in this system, since the interchange of this freeway with I-580 occurs only a mile east of the Bay Bridge approach.) As its name suggests, it is known for its confusing layout, and overpasses are seen going every which way.
For years, trying to understand the MacArthur Maze perplexed me. Eventually, I decided that the interchange was so complex because three freeways (I-80, I-880, I-580) were intersecting at one point. I tried to draw out my own freeway interchange with three intersecting freeways, and it was really hard and complex. But I kept wondering if there was a more efficient way to design an interchange with three freeways coming together.
Some time later, I suddenly realized that yes, three named freeways are coming together. However, northeast of the Bay Bridge toll plaza, I-580 and I-80 share a route (in opposing directions, might I add; that is, I-80 east runs on the same path as I-580 west...in a generally northbound direction). So, actually, this could be viewed as two freeways coming together in a + formation. The "south" portion of the + is I-880; the "west" portion is I-80/the Bay Bridge; the "east" portion is I-580; and the "north" portion is I-80/I-580.
But why was it so complex? I still wondered. One ramp is elevated about 100 feet in the air for a mile and a half or so--is this necessary? The nearby I-580/I-980/CA-24 interchange is also a + formation, and it is a beautiful four-level interchange which is easy to follow--why couldn't the MacArthur Maze be the same way?
Then I realized that it probably was at one point, prior to 1989. In 1989, the Loma Prieta Earthquake occurred, causing a section of I-880 in West Oakland just west of the toll plaza to collapse. Mandela Parkway now stands in its place, and I-880 has been rerouted around the outskirts of West Oakland. Following Mandela Parkway, it is clear that I-880 used to terminate right in the center of the + with I-80 and I-580. In fact, the remaining upside-down T at that point resembles the structure of the I-580/I-980/CA-24 interchange. This indicates that the interchange used to have a familiar structure. Now that I-880 has been moved, its ramps to the Bay Bridge and to I-80/I-580 lie farther south from the upside-down T. But all the necessary ramps are present, and no extra ramps are there. In fact, a couple ramps are missing, such as a ramp from I-580 to I-880, and vice versa. (Traffic needing to take these routes is rerouted to take I-980.)
So the conclusion is that structurally, the MacArthur Maze is no more complex than the nearby I-580/I-980/CA-24 interchange. There is not really a need to simplify the interchange, because it actually isn't all that complex.
So where does the apparent complexity come from?
My guess is that the biggest source of complexity is the fact that I-80 E/W and I-580 W/E are the same road. That is so hard to wrap one's head around. Related to this is that in order to continue on the freeway you are on, you usually must take an exit. For example, if you are on I-80 W/I-580 E in Berkeley heading to San Francisco, you are actually going south, and you must take a westward ramp to stay on I-80 W. If you continue going south, you will end up on I-880 S. A third source is the fact that the interchange is an odd shape. Instead of forming a nice +, I-880's off-ramps are further south.
So: why is the MacArthur Maze so complex/complicated? Mostly because of the involved freeways' names.
For years, trying to understand the MacArthur Maze perplexed me. Eventually, I decided that the interchange was so complex because three freeways (I-80, I-880, I-580) were intersecting at one point. I tried to draw out my own freeway interchange with three intersecting freeways, and it was really hard and complex. But I kept wondering if there was a more efficient way to design an interchange with three freeways coming together.
Some time later, I suddenly realized that yes, three named freeways are coming together. However, northeast of the Bay Bridge toll plaza, I-580 and I-80 share a route (in opposing directions, might I add; that is, I-80 east runs on the same path as I-580 west...in a generally northbound direction). So, actually, this could be viewed as two freeways coming together in a + formation. The "south" portion of the + is I-880; the "west" portion is I-80/the Bay Bridge; the "east" portion is I-580; and the "north" portion is I-80/I-580.
But why was it so complex? I still wondered. One ramp is elevated about 100 feet in the air for a mile and a half or so--is this necessary? The nearby I-580/I-980/CA-24 interchange is also a + formation, and it is a beautiful four-level interchange which is easy to follow--why couldn't the MacArthur Maze be the same way?
Then I realized that it probably was at one point, prior to 1989. In 1989, the Loma Prieta Earthquake occurred, causing a section of I-880 in West Oakland just west of the toll plaza to collapse. Mandela Parkway now stands in its place, and I-880 has been rerouted around the outskirts of West Oakland. Following Mandela Parkway, it is clear that I-880 used to terminate right in the center of the + with I-80 and I-580. In fact, the remaining upside-down T at that point resembles the structure of the I-580/I-980/CA-24 interchange. This indicates that the interchange used to have a familiar structure. Now that I-880 has been moved, its ramps to the Bay Bridge and to I-80/I-580 lie farther south from the upside-down T. But all the necessary ramps are present, and no extra ramps are there. In fact, a couple ramps are missing, such as a ramp from I-580 to I-880, and vice versa. (Traffic needing to take these routes is rerouted to take I-980.)
So the conclusion is that structurally, the MacArthur Maze is no more complex than the nearby I-580/I-980/CA-24 interchange. There is not really a need to simplify the interchange, because it actually isn't all that complex.
So where does the apparent complexity come from?
My guess is that the biggest source of complexity is the fact that I-80 E/W and I-580 W/E are the same road. That is so hard to wrap one's head around. Related to this is that in order to continue on the freeway you are on, you usually must take an exit. For example, if you are on I-80 W/I-580 E in Berkeley heading to San Francisco, you are actually going south, and you must take a westward ramp to stay on I-80 W. If you continue going south, you will end up on I-880 S. A third source is the fact that the interchange is an odd shape. Instead of forming a nice +, I-880's off-ramps are further south.
So: why is the MacArthur Maze so complex/complicated? Mostly because of the involved freeways' names.
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