“You’re still young.” “It’ll happen eventually.” “You’ll find one when you least expect it.”
I have heard these words of “sympathy” countless times when describing how painful it is for me to be single right now. I understand where the speakers are coming from; they’re trying to be helpful. But absolutely nothing about those comments is helpful at all. The only effect they have is to completely minimize the current pain I find myself in. Somehow my future happiness is supposed to improve my situation. Or my youth is supposed to console me. Or I need to be told that my efforts in trying to meet potential partners is useless.
How am I supposed to respond to those comments? “Thank you”? “You’re right, I haven’t thought about it like that”?
“I have a horrible headache.” “Oh don’t worry, you’ll feel better later.”
How about you meet me where I am and ask if I need some Ibuprofen?
But people do ask if you need Ibuprofen. When it comes to physical ailments, people are much more willing to provide practical help. Emotional desires, though? Forget it. You’re held at an arm’s length--just far enough away so that they don’t have to dive into the messy emotions.
These comments often come from guys who are already partnered or who have not been looking for a relationship for over a year. And so they have forgotten what it is like to want a relationship. They have forgotten what it is like to go home to an empty bed every night. They have forgotten what it is like to constantly feel inadequate because no one is verifying their value. They have forgotten what it is like to want to hold and be held but unable to scratch this itch. They have forgotten what it is like to feel enslaved to the apps or the bars on Friday nights. They have forgotten what it is like to be friendzoned by crushes...again...and again...and again...and again...and again…
Shut up and listen.
Monday, October 24, 2016
National Coming Out Day
Today is National Coming Out Day. And to commemorate today, I am publicly coming out to the Facebook world. Many of you already know this, but those of you that I grew up with may not—I am gay. And I am so glad to be.
Soap box time now. You may skip the rest of this if you’re in a tl;dr mood.
“Coming out” is not a one-time event. For me, coming out has been and continues to be a gradual process from the age of 19 to now. With each passing day, I become more comfortable and certain in my identity than I was the previous day. 18-year-old me didn’t even know I was gay. 19-year-old me didn’t know how to make sense of the idea that I might be gay. 20-year-old me had accepted that I was gay, but wasn’t comfortable fully owning that identity or being part of that community. 21-year-old me wasn’t ready to tell his parents that he was gay and seeking a relationship. Even one year ago today, I was still a long way from being confident enough to come out publicly in this manner. But over the last four years, I have found people and communities that love me for who I am and have helped me arrive to my current level of security in my identity. (I won’t do shout-outs here because the list of individuals who have supported me would be so lengthy that it would merit a separate post altogether.) These people have helped me discover a love and acceptance for myself that 19-year-old me never would have imagined. And with each passing day, I continue to smash more of the pillars that support what remains of my own internalized homophobia.
My hope is that the world can become a place where I can hold my future partner’s hand in public without having to second guess it. If at the very least for my sake, I ask you all to (continue to) fight for LGBTQ+ equality. The battle didn’t stop on June 26, 2015, the day that my future romantic love was legitimated in this country. We still need help to overcome the toxic levels of heteronormativity that plague our society. We still need help to interrupt the homophobic rhetoric present in both audible discourse and personal thoughts. We still need help to alter the one-dimensional representations of LGBTQ+ people in popular culture (Hint: “gay best friend” is incredibly demeaning). We still need help to end the internalized homophobia that both closeted and out LGBTQ+ individuals carry. We still need help to communicate to LGBTQ+ individuals, “You are normal. There is nothing wrong with you.”
Off the soap box.
Not to confirm stereotypes, but I guess the obsession with Beyoncé now makes a lot of sense, huh?
Soap box time now. You may skip the rest of this if you’re in a tl;dr mood.
“Coming out” is not a one-time event. For me, coming out has been and continues to be a gradual process from the age of 19 to now. With each passing day, I become more comfortable and certain in my identity than I was the previous day. 18-year-old me didn’t even know I was gay. 19-year-old me didn’t know how to make sense of the idea that I might be gay. 20-year-old me had accepted that I was gay, but wasn’t comfortable fully owning that identity or being part of that community. 21-year-old me wasn’t ready to tell his parents that he was gay and seeking a relationship. Even one year ago today, I was still a long way from being confident enough to come out publicly in this manner. But over the last four years, I have found people and communities that love me for who I am and have helped me arrive to my current level of security in my identity. (I won’t do shout-outs here because the list of individuals who have supported me would be so lengthy that it would merit a separate post altogether.) These people have helped me discover a love and acceptance for myself that 19-year-old me never would have imagined. And with each passing day, I continue to smash more of the pillars that support what remains of my own internalized homophobia.
My hope is that the world can become a place where I can hold my future partner’s hand in public without having to second guess it. If at the very least for my sake, I ask you all to (continue to) fight for LGBTQ+ equality. The battle didn’t stop on June 26, 2015, the day that my future romantic love was legitimated in this country. We still need help to overcome the toxic levels of heteronormativity that plague our society. We still need help to interrupt the homophobic rhetoric present in both audible discourse and personal thoughts. We still need help to alter the one-dimensional representations of LGBTQ+ people in popular culture (Hint: “gay best friend” is incredibly demeaning). We still need help to end the internalized homophobia that both closeted and out LGBTQ+ individuals carry. We still need help to communicate to LGBTQ+ individuals, “You are normal. There is nothing wrong with you.”
Off the soap box.
Not to confirm stereotypes, but I guess the obsession with Beyoncé now makes a lot of sense, huh?
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