Listening

You don't have to be a sage advice-giver in order to support someone in need. More often than not, listening is the only thing that a person wants. And in those instances, giving advice can even come across as rude and selfish, even though you might have good intentions.

I can speak from personal experience--there have been several times in my life where I have been in the midst of crises, and I go to a person in hopes that they will hear me out and support me. But the listener cuts me off before I am finished and tells me what I should do or why my thinking is flawed.

(Preface: I am going to be using the pronoun "he" where I really should be using "he or she," because it refers to an unspecified person. "He" is just so much shorter and easier.)

The listener might think that that is being helpful, but it isn't. Often, the person knows what he needs to do, and he knows that he's not thinking clearly. He just wants you to meet him where he is and to support him. Let him tell you why he is hurting, and please do your best to try to understand where he is coming from. That will probably involve you asking probing questions, rather than thinking you know his situation and advising him on what to do next. Doing that is likely a dirty and messy process, but who said real relationship was easy?

If he wanted advice, he would ask for it. Or, you can ask him if that is what he is looking for. But don't just give it to him unsolicited. When he asked you to talk, he didn't ask you to "correct" his thinking. (By the way, what gives you the authority to say that you know better? You haven't experienced what he has. That's why it is so important to try to understand where he's coming from.)

As the protagonist in Fight Club says, "When people think you're dying, man, they really really listen to you instead of just waiting for their turn to speak." Is that what it takes for us to truly listen to people? That they have to be dying before we stop looking for opportunities to interject and actually hear them?

In summary, when you're listening to someone, "Shut up and listen." Like Lilly Moscovitz's cable show.