Mommy, look, somebody left this toy tractor here!

Put that down, Billy; that has germs on it!

I've realized that I'm not as assertive as I used to be.

"Used to be" is a relative phrase, though. If "used to be" is a comparison to any time more than 8 months ago, then I don't think that first sentence applies. But if I compare myself to where I was a couple months ago, then I feel that that shows a step backward in assertiveness.

I realized this when I recently found myself in a situation where I was extremely uncomfortable. Rather than speaking up and leaving as soon as things felt off, I stuck around and didn't say anything. I eventually left after quite a while, but I really should have left much sooner.

So I began to ask myself, why am I not as assertive anymore?

Perhaps my job has contributed to it. Maybe it's me not wanting to bother my supervisor when I can tell she's overloaded, and so I just don't speak up. Maybe it's me being prideful and not asking for help when I need it. Maybe it's me just telling myself that I don't really know what I'm doing, and just assuming that everyone else knows better.

Perhaps recent episodes at CalPerfs has contributed to it. Maybe that one time when that couple yelled at me and refused to do what I asked. Maybe that time when I was managing, even though I was out of practice, so I didn't feel like I completely knew what I was doing.

Perhaps this blog has contributed to it. I know some people are reading it, and I have actually decided not to write posts because I don't want people to know that about me. That goes against the original purpose of this blog--the purpose was for my personal growth. It shouldn't matter who else, if anyone else, is reading it or not. And it certainly shouldn't dictate what I choose to write about.

Or maybe I'm just generally out of practice being assertive. Maybe I've assumed that I am now an assertive person, so I've stopped working at it.

Then again, they say that progress is two steps forward and one backward. Maybe my first two steps happened spring semester, and this summer is my step backward.

So here's my to do list:
Have more opinions/preferences about things.
Don't always defer to the other person. ("I don't know, what do you wanna do?")
Remind myself that you have a right to express what you're feeling and thinking.

You don't have to please other people.