Notes on my phone that I wrote in emotional moments

May 12, 2014: Hungover at church
You are only feeling attached to [NAME 1] because you are in a vulnerable place right now. You realize that your self-esteem and worth have been compromised, and you have become dependent on others' approval for satisfaction with yourself. Because you are feeling insecure, you want someone who will be an anchor. Someone who will give you that approval. And because you are in this vulnerable place, your desire to date [NAME 1] has returned with more powerful force. You want to be known and loved, which are good things. But a relationship can be an easy and dangerous out when you aren't comfortable by yourself. It can only be a quick fix. It is so important to still be yourself in a relationship and not to conform to who the other person is. And if i were to get with [NAME 1], I fear that would happen. You haven't even talked to him about faith and whatnot. I bet there would be a discrepancy there.

People want what they can't have. And I want [NAME 1], but I can't have him.

Even if I could have him, I don't think I should go for it. He hasn't shown himself to be interested enough. I need a partner who will make time for me. Where I won't be the only one who calls him up. I don't deserve to be in a relationship where I'm the only one putting in effort. I'm worth a lot more than that. I'm worth someone's effort and time. Anything less would be me settling. I need to shoot high and hope that someone else can keep up with me. Someone who is sweet, caring compassionate, sympathetic, patient, cuddly, strong, intelligent, secure, and adorable.

July 18, 2014: At a club in New York
I can't do this. I didn't plan for clubbing. I'm not nearly dressed appropriately, I'm feeling insecure about my body, and I'm in a place I don't know. And I'm tired. And everyone here is so much more attractive than I am--and then there's me.

[FRIEND 1] is attractive and dressed fine. [FRIEND 2] got someone to say he was cute. And me? I'm just there. Being awkward.

November 14, 2014: Thoughts on the events of the last two days
[NAME 2] checked in on Facebook that he was at a dermatology place, and he provided the caption, "Time to play 'How many stabs in the chest does it take to make [NAME 2] cry.'" And my emotional reaction to that post took me quite by surprise. I had a vision of me sitting right by him in the dermatologist's office. I wanted to be the one to hold his hand and tell him it would all be over soon. I wanted to be the one who was embracing him as he felt the pain from the shots. I wanted to be the one to wipe away his tears as they slowly rolled down his cheeks. More generally, I wanted to be the one that gives him comfort and security. I wanted to protect him from getting hurt.

I had a similar reaction with [NAME 3] last night. I took him to the hospital for strep throat. And I wanted more than anything else to be confused for his partner. As we sat in the waiting room for his name to be called, I wanted to hold his hand. When he was called, he actually invited me to go back with him, but I decline, even though I wanted to be the one whom he trusts so much that I can hear his medical information.

But these desires will not be met. [NAME 3] has friend-zoned me, and [NAME 2] has told me that there is another guy that he is about to become exclusive with. These images that I have will never be realities.

But I cannot wait for the day when that person comes into my life.

November 14, 2014: Waiting for the BART train after a phone call
I mean, I can't say I'm surprised that [NAME 1] has a boyfriend. But it still makes me feel weird. Like, I don't really hurt that much, but I sort of do. I can't figure out what I'm feeling. I'm trying to describe what is going through my head, but I don't know. There's nothing. Like, I don't know if I'm jealous, hurt, sad, happy for him, or if I legitimately don't care and am over him. I can't determine it.

Also, [NAME 1] said he wants to hang out. Only if he makes the effort. I now have no reason to even try. And it's funny that hanging out with him doesn't even come across his mind until I called him up.

July 10, 2015: Sitting in my car
We are learning life lessons: never go to a social gathering if the host is the only person you know.

Consider that one time you went to Town with [FRIEND 3] and a bunch of his friends. Or that time you went to [FRIEND 4]'s wedding. Or tonight at [NAME 2]'s party. I'm glad I left before I had an anxiety attack, but I can't help but feel that I should have known better. Of course that was going to happen.