This one is different from the previous two because it is not about practices that I have a problem with; it is a personal experience, and I am writing to process what I am feeling. I just included it in this bundle because it is related to LGBT stuff.
I had a friend and roommate in college who was super-Christian, but he also had a history with gay sex. He did not hide what he did his past, but he strove to suppress who he was in the past. This took the form of him searching hard for emotional intimacy in a girlfriend, while subtly disapproving of and condemning those of us who had made peace with our sexual identities. When I first met the guy, I respected him so much; when I heard of his past with gay sex, I respected him even more because I thought I had found common ground in him. But as I found out, he was unwilling to revisit his past experiences as a possible indication of his identity. He tried so hard to ensure his experiences were just a mistake, and were not part of who he was.
Because of his stance on gay sex/relationships and his past experiences, he was in the perfect position to be revered in the Christian circles we both found ourselves in. He was idolized as "the gay guy who had made it." "Look at him; he is proof that it is possible to overcome this struggle you are facing." That drove me nuts. His situation discredited all the experiences I had had and all the thinking that I had done to arrive at my beliefs on the issue.
I feared for his first girlfriend. I was never convinced that he was "over" his past, so I feared that she would fall for him, and he might fall for her; but the truth would eventually manifest itself and her heart would be broken. That is why when he finally met someone, I didn't want it to happen. Every time he described her as "so beautiful" and "so attractive," I was not convinced. It seemed to me as if he was trying so hard to force himself to feel this way about her because of his beliefs on gay sex and relationships. He did finally admit to me that he was probably bi.
Fast-forward two years. I get a text from him one night informing me that he and his girlfriend broke up because he realized that he is "just gay." He also included a brief apology because he said that he "was stupid and wrong . . . and it's good for people to have people."
I was shocked. I did not see that coming. I'm all for it, but I didn't expect him to change his mind on the issue. I thought he was going to get married to his girlfriend; they had started doing pre-engagement counseling. An evil part of me wanted to say, "I told you so!" or "I knew it!" but of course, that wouldn't be very tactful considering his situation. He still seeks intimacy and commitment, so he says he will see other people when he's ready. Now I'm having to forgive the person that he used to be. He could almost be called a hypocrite for disapproving of those of us who had stuff about ourselves figured out a few years ago. He had hurt me quite a bit in the past, but now it's ok for him to allow himself to feel the way that I have for years? I'm finding that that is hard for me to let go of, at least right now. I'm sure this is just reactionary, and it will disappear with time.
Because, ultimately, I am happy for him. I am happy that he is finally being honest with himself. I am happy that he got out of the relationship he was in before there was a marriage license attached to it. And I am happy that he now accepts a word to describe his identity--I remember how liberating that was for me, because it placed me into a community and let me know that I was not alone. Insert abrupt ending here.
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